swralph
A Fixture
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2013
- Messages
- 7,938
Hi Friend's.
Something my brother emailed me and thought I would share with you.
Hi Ralph,
I just thought I'd share this with you.
When I do my patrols as a traffic warden I sometimes get people who say to me " Can I ask you a silly question?" I generally just reply "Only if you want a silly answer" which usually, though not every time, gets a smile. It is then usually followed by me answering, in a serious manner, some tedious question I've been asked many times before. I often want to tell them a load of horse **** (albeit with a straight face) but being a paid representative of the Distric Council I have to behave, so my boss tells me, in a proper manner. However, when I'm not at work I can do what I ******* well like.
So, this afteroon I was at the newly opened ASDA store in Carterton buying a large (15kg) bag of "Baker's Choice" Beef and Vegetable dog food for my Border Collie. I was standing in the checkout queue when an old woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a baby elephant?
So, since I'm not one to miss an opportunity and have little else better to do than tell tall stories, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the scientifically-proven "Dog Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time I tried it. I went on to tell her that previously I had actually lost 15 kilograms in 2 weeks before waking up in intensive care with tubes coming out of every orifice, IV lines in both arms, a ruptured spleen, kidney failure, blind in one eye (due to a detached retina), slurred speech and I had lost my sense of taste. At this she started to look a little ashen and slightly perplexed.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that what you do is load your pockets with plump and tasty "Baker's Choice" nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I pointed out that the dog food is nutritionally balanced so it works well and I was going to try it again despite my previous experience.
I have to mention that by now practically everyone in the queue, as well as the till operator, was enthralled with my story.
Now starting to look horrified by what she'd heard so far, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. So I told her no, I had simply stepped off the pavement to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a bus hit me.
The till operator started to smile and I thought the guy in front of me was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. The woman who had asked if I had a dog had by now gone deathly white and fainted - she'd also solied herself. And now, as a result, I'm banned from ASDA till further notice.
The moral of this story is don't ask me silly ******* questions if you don't want a silly ******* answer. I spend all day wandering around town just thinking of made up **** and stupid answers to banal questions.
Have a good day.
Slàinte mhath
Something my brother emailed me and thought I would share with you.
Hi Ralph,
I just thought I'd share this with you.
When I do my patrols as a traffic warden I sometimes get people who say to me " Can I ask you a silly question?" I generally just reply "Only if you want a silly answer" which usually, though not every time, gets a smile. It is then usually followed by me answering, in a serious manner, some tedious question I've been asked many times before. I often want to tell them a load of horse **** (albeit with a straight face) but being a paid representative of the Distric Council I have to behave, so my boss tells me, in a proper manner. However, when I'm not at work I can do what I ******* well like.
So, this afteroon I was at the newly opened ASDA store in Carterton buying a large (15kg) bag of "Baker's Choice" Beef and Vegetable dog food for my Border Collie. I was standing in the checkout queue when an old woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a baby elephant?
So, since I'm not one to miss an opportunity and have little else better to do than tell tall stories, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the scientifically-proven "Dog Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time I tried it. I went on to tell her that previously I had actually lost 15 kilograms in 2 weeks before waking up in intensive care with tubes coming out of every orifice, IV lines in both arms, a ruptured spleen, kidney failure, blind in one eye (due to a detached retina), slurred speech and I had lost my sense of taste. At this she started to look a little ashen and slightly perplexed.
I told her that it was essentially the perfect diet and that what you do is load your pockets with plump and tasty "Baker's Choice" nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I pointed out that the dog food is nutritionally balanced so it works well and I was going to try it again despite my previous experience.
I have to mention that by now practically everyone in the queue, as well as the till operator, was enthralled with my story.
Now starting to look horrified by what she'd heard so far, the woman asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me. So I told her no, I had simply stepped off the pavement to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a bus hit me.
The till operator started to smile and I thought the guy in front of me was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. The woman who had asked if I had a dog had by now gone deathly white and fainted - she'd also solied herself. And now, as a result, I'm banned from ASDA till further notice.
The moral of this story is don't ask me silly ******* questions if you don't want a silly ******* answer. I spend all day wandering around town just thinking of made up **** and stupid answers to banal questions.
Have a good day.
Slàinte mhath
