I'm sure most of you have come across Health & Safety and politically correct issues, that make you laugh.
My brother recently sent me what follows and I thought I would share it with you.
It made me chuckle, I hope it does you. If not I've wasted half an hour typing it out.
Can you imagine what life would have been like if we'd had health & safety back in the time of the Battle of Trafalgar...... Here's what might have been said on HMS Victory:
Nelson: Order the signal.
Hardy: Aye, Aye Sir.
Nelson:Hold on, this isn't the message I dictated to flags, whats the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry Sir.
Nelson: (reading aloud) England expects every person to do there duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What is this nonsense?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid Sir, We're an equal opportunities employer now, we had a devil of a job to get"England" passed the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Pon my word, utter nonsense. Please hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry Sir, all vessels have now been designated non-smoking areas for safety reasons, what with all the gun-powder around.
Nelson: In that case break out the rum, we'll have a quit tot before the battle.
Hardy: Can't do that either Sir,its part of the Governments policy on binge drinking.
Nelson: Right then, set sail full speed to engage the enemy.
Hardy: Er Sorry Sir, there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it man, we're on the verge of the greatest sea battle ever, we must advance, whats the report from the crows nest?
Hardy: We haven't got one.
Nelson: Why on earth not?
Hardy: Health & safety have closed the crows nest on account that there's no harness and the rope ladder doesn't conform to standards. They won't let us up till scaffolding is erected.
Nelson: Send for the ships carpenter immediately.
Hardy: Can't do that Sir, he's busy making wheelchair access to the foredeck.
Nelson: Wheelchair access, I've never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health & safety again Sir, we have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.
Nelsonifferently abled? I've only got one eye and one arm. I didn't get where I am today by playing the disability card.
Hardy: Well actually you did Sir. the Royal Navy is under represented in the visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Nelson: Enough of this, give me full sail, the salt spray beckons.
Hardy: Ah, we've an issue there too, health & safety won't let them up the rigging without a hardhat, and then there's a limit to there intake of salt.
Nelson: I've never heard so much infamy, to battle station, man the cannon.
Hardy: Can't do that Sir, on account the crew are worried about shooting at the enemy.
Nelson: This is mutiny.....
Hardy: Its not that Sir, they're afraid of being charged with murder, if they kill anyone. There's a couple of lawyers on board watching us like hawks.
Nelson: Well how on earth are we to defeat the enemy?
Hardy: We're not Sir, We're now European partners, and according to the fishing policy we shouldn't be here, we could get hit with a compensation claim.
Nelson: But I hate the enemy, I want to blast them out of the water.
Hardy: I wouldn't let anyone hear you say that, you'll be up on a disciplinary report.
Nelson: But you must consider everyone an enemy who speaks ill of the King.
Hardy: Can't do that now Sir, not in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it could save you life.
Nelson:More health & safety I suppose , what ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash.
Hardy: Well as I said Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy then?
Hardy: That's legal now Sir.
Nelson: In that case...... kiss me Hardy.
Malc
My brother recently sent me what follows and I thought I would share it with you.
It made me chuckle, I hope it does you. If not I've wasted half an hour typing it out.
Can you imagine what life would have been like if we'd had health & safety back in the time of the Battle of Trafalgar...... Here's what might have been said on HMS Victory:
Nelson: Order the signal.
Hardy: Aye, Aye Sir.
Nelson:Hold on, this isn't the message I dictated to flags, whats the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry Sir.
Nelson: (reading aloud) England expects every person to do there duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What is this nonsense?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid Sir, We're an equal opportunities employer now, we had a devil of a job to get"England" passed the censors, lest it be considered racist.
Nelson: Pon my word, utter nonsense. Please hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry Sir, all vessels have now been designated non-smoking areas for safety reasons, what with all the gun-powder around.
Nelson: In that case break out the rum, we'll have a quit tot before the battle.
Hardy: Can't do that either Sir,its part of the Governments policy on binge drinking.
Nelson: Right then, set sail full speed to engage the enemy.
Hardy: Er Sorry Sir, there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it man, we're on the verge of the greatest sea battle ever, we must advance, whats the report from the crows nest?
Hardy: We haven't got one.
Nelson: Why on earth not?
Hardy: Health & safety have closed the crows nest on account that there's no harness and the rope ladder doesn't conform to standards. They won't let us up till scaffolding is erected.
Nelson: Send for the ships carpenter immediately.
Hardy: Can't do that Sir, he's busy making wheelchair access to the foredeck.
Nelson: Wheelchair access, I've never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health & safety again Sir, we have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently abled.
Nelson
ifferently abled? I've only got one eye and one arm. I didn't get where I am today by playing the disability card.Hardy: Well actually you did Sir. the Royal Navy is under represented in the visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Nelson: Enough of this, give me full sail, the salt spray beckons.
Hardy: Ah, we've an issue there too, health & safety won't let them up the rigging without a hardhat, and then there's a limit to there intake of salt.
Nelson: I've never heard so much infamy, to battle station, man the cannon.
Hardy: Can't do that Sir, on account the crew are worried about shooting at the enemy.
Nelson: This is mutiny.....
Hardy: Its not that Sir, they're afraid of being charged with murder, if they kill anyone. There's a couple of lawyers on board watching us like hawks.
Nelson: Well how on earth are we to defeat the enemy?
Hardy: We're not Sir, We're now European partners, and according to the fishing policy we shouldn't be here, we could get hit with a compensation claim.
Nelson: But I hate the enemy, I want to blast them out of the water.
Hardy: I wouldn't let anyone hear you say that, you'll be up on a disciplinary report.
Nelson: But you must consider everyone an enemy who speaks ill of the King.
Hardy: Can't do that now Sir, not in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it could save you life.
Nelson:More health & safety I suppose , what ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash.
Hardy: Well as I said Sir, Rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy then?
Hardy: That's legal now Sir.
Nelson: In that case...... kiss me Hardy.
Malc
