Humour in a crisis.....

[fogie]

Prompted by Del's thread of the other day, I've been picking up on examples of
humorous behaviour in the face of this enforced isolation. My favourite so far
is the bloke who put a sign up in his window to his next door neighbour. It said
"What is the name of the pale Edwardian child who keeps waving to me from
your attic window ? "

Mike

 

[billyturnip]

This one made me laugh, it was posted on a Ripon Facebook page on the evening people were outside their houses giving a round of applause for NHS workers.

"Just took the bins out and got a standing ovation. Made my night; thanks everyone."

 

[fogie]

.........put my bin out and got a standing ovation, thanks everyone,
it means a lot."

 

[Babelfish]

"Just been to put my bin out and got a standing ovation, thanks everyone, it means a lot."

Nicking me that one !! That is the funniest thing I have read since Adam was in short trousers.

- Steve

 

[Nap]

These are brilliant

Love the bins one

Keep this going

Stay safe

Nap

 

[billyturnip]

I've edited my post after checking the original.
It's still making me smile.

 

[Helm]

When you're self isolating and have no grey army

 

[Blind Pew]

Thing is mate......we've all gotta Grey Army!
That is some cruet set though.

 

[Martin Antonenko]

German President is well prepared for the Corona crisis!

Yesterday evening, for the first time since 1945, a German head of state addressed the population outside of Christmas with a TV address:



In a speech, Federal President Frank-Walter Steinmeier thanked the Germans for their cohesion, their discipline and their understanding of the drastic measures that have been taken to combat the pandemic. He especially thanked the medical staff for their outstanding work.

The President then went back to his private apartment in Bellevue Palace and continued his personal preparations to combat the virus, which had been interrupted by the TV speech.

Steinmeier apparently overlooked the fact that a camera had not yet been switched off!
The picture that happened by chance shows that our President is really well prepared for the crisis ...:


Cheers

 

[socko47]

I had read that some of the kids, now being home schooled by their parents, are being suspended!

Also, some kids are calling in bomb threats!!

 

[sd0324]

German President is well prepared for the Corona crisis!

Yesterday evening, for the first time since 1945, a German head of state addressed the population outside of Christmas with a TV address:



In a speech, Federal President Frank-Walter Steinmeier thanked the Germans for their cohesion, their discipline and their understanding of the drastic measures that have been taken to combat the pandemic. He especially thanked the medical staff for their outstanding work.

The President then went back to his private apartment in Bellevue Palace and continued his personal preparations to combat the virus, which had been interrupted by the TV speech.

Steinmeier apparently overlooked the fact that a camera had not yet been switched off!
The picture that happened by chance shows that our President is really well prepared for the crisis ...:


Cheers

Everyone needs a Coronavirus rifle

And pistol.

 

[Martin Antonenko]

Monday, April 13, 2020
Revenge Is Sweet:
US Scientists Manage To Infect Bat With Human Flu!


Houston (dpo) - That should be a lesson to you! Scientists from the University of Texas have successfully infected bats with human flu for the first time. The researchers hope that the infection will soon grow into a global pandemic.




"As soon as it became clear that the coronavirus was transmitted from a bat to humans, we immediately started our research," explains Professor Ian Levitchov. "We knew that what mankind needs now is revenge. Sweet revenge. And it seems that we have succeeded."

The researchers have meanwhile infected a total of five bats with influenza viruses. "The experimental animals appear lethargic, cough a lot and have an elevated temperature," said Levitchov, satisfied. "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, I just say."

The doctor has no pity for the infected animals: "They should have thought about this before they transmitted the coronavirus to humans. If they thought that we simply accepted it, then they cut themselves."

The flu-sick bats are now to be released into the wild as quickly as possible on several continents. Ideally, they then infect other members of their species, which in the medium term leads to a worldwide pandemic that could cost the lives of hundreds of thousands of bats.

The hopes seem justified: in most countries, bats have not set up a health system, and early warning systems or pandemic plans do not actually exist at all.

"They have no idea what to expect," said Levitchov cheerfully. "They'll take a look around! They get that when they mess with humanity."

 

[Wayneb]

Culling of the herd?......God or nature.. ( human?)….will have its way...…...Deal with it.

 

[Martin Antonenko]

Remember the movie "Soylent Green"...? Doesn't seem like "SciFi" anymore ...

 

[Mirofsoft]

It will end soon, I'm ready

 

[Nap]

Hi folks

Got sent these ...

Stay safe

Nap

 

[OldTaff]

Good on you, Martin

Alan

 

[sd0324]

 

[Martin Antonenko]

The Corona driving license


Test yourself: are you up to the crisis ...?



1. Supermarket


In the nearest supermarket, between bag soups and pasta, at the crossroads to the hygiene articles, you will meet a member of a risk group who wants to turn into your aisle from the left, a young man with a face mask and a baby (without face mask) on his arm from the right. The walk to the hygiene articles is blocked by a system-relevant supermarket employee who puts on sanitary napkins. Who can go first?

A: The young man comes from the right, so he can pass first.

B: I let the members of the risk group go first, take two steps back and lie down on the empty pasta shelf to keep the safety distance of 1 meter 50.

C: I take off my face mask and cough my way.



2. Work place


A colleague extends your hand in greeting. How do you behave?

A: I take it because I wear pink cleaning gloves all day.

B: I dial 911 and report it for attempted assault.

C: I ignore the hand and kick his shin to greet him.



3. Walkway

You are on a 1m 20 wide walkway. A woman with a face mask and a coughing child comes towards you. How do you solve the situation?

A: We stop at a distance of 1 meter 50 and clarify who is going to have to walk back to the last crossing with a bells and whistles.

B: I pass the two with my head bowed, holding my breath.

C: I jump on the street in the flowing traffic, there I have a higher chance of survival.



4. Pasta shelf

Someone with severe cold symptoms studies the contents of a pack of noodles in the supermarket and then puts them (the noodles) back on the shelf. It is the last pack. How do you behave

A: It's damn the last pack and I only have seven packs at home. What else do I have left? I still buy it.

B: I buy rice. Or potatoes. The main thing is carbohydrates. Today there are cornflakes with tomato sauce if necessary.

C: I still buy the pack, but I cook the pasta in 80 percent alcohol.



5. Oncoming traffic

A family of five comes towards you. They block the entire width of the walkway. What you are doing?

A: I turn and run as fast as I can.

B: I sing "What Shall We do With the Drunken Sailor", the family forms a polonaise and I can pass.

C: I'm going to be adopted by the family.



6. Game night

Friends invite you to a game night. Are you going there?

A: Yes, but I disinfect the "Settlers" game thoroughly and write "breathing masks" on each "clay" card.

B: Yes, but I take luggage with me for 14 days.

C: No, the invitation already shows that these could never have been my friends. I report it to the public order office.



7. Scaffolding

You will meet a jogger in an area just 90 centimeters wide under scaffolding. How do you react?

A: We stand at a distance of 1 meter 50 in front of each other and wait for the contact block to be released.

B: We communicate who of us is crawling across the floor and who is swinging along the top of the scaffolding to maintain the minimum distance vertically.

C: We shit on the risk of infection, kiss each other on the way and form a community for the next 14 days.



8. Hairdresser

You really need to go to the hairdresser now. How do you deal with the situation?

A: Fuck it, it won't get any worse than with Boris Johnson.

B: My neighbor's son has a friend, whose brother's cousin is black shearing in a former coal basement in Neukölln. However, it is not cheap.

C: I order an album from Iron Maiden and practice headbanging.



9. Children

Your 16-year-old son wants to meet with his girlfriend. Do you allow that?

A: Yes, but only during the day in the park on two ceilings 5 ​​meters apart.

B: No, Corona certainly has it. But I am understanding. If their relationship survives these few months, he knows that she is the right one. I also allow him to masturbate anytime, anywhere in the apartment as often as he wants.

C: Yes, of course! When the villain is out, there is more bandwidth for me. Finally netflixen smoothly!



10. Cash register line

In the cash register in the supermarket, everyone wears mouthguards, with the exception of an 80-year-old lady who rams her shopping trolley into her heels without gaps. Then she puts goods on the belt with dirty hands. How do you react?

A: I call the medical officer, who forcibly instructs them about acute dementia.

B: I inquire about her address and offer to shop for her in the future as she obviously needs help.

C: I take off my mouthguard and yell: "We'll do all the shit for you snipe!" And throw it at unpaid organic tomatoes. Then I take the applause from the bystanders.



11. Law enforcement officers

A six-person patrol from the public order office and the police comes towards you on the sidewalk. What you are doing?

A: I report the regulatory office to the police for violating the ban on contact. And the police at the regulatory office.

B: I am calling the state security because I am witnessing an undeclared demonstration.

C: I am being removed without a security clearance because my ID has expired.



12. Love

You notice that Boris Johnson has become sympathetic to you in the past few weeks. How do you deal with it?

A: What does "sympathetic" mean? He is my hero. I write love letters to him.

B: Doesn't matter. I can still keep the green party book.

C: I'm not worried. It's like Corona: sooner or later an immunization will set in.


Cheers

 

[OldTaff]

Martin, you just don't know how much I appreciate that....brilliantly hilarious.

Alan