DEL
A Fixture
Glasgow Commonwealth Games 2014
As many of you will know, the Opening Ceremony for the Commonwealth Games in 2014 takes place today in Glasgow.
What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, have been especially altered for 2014 to give that unique 'Glasgow Flavour'.
A copy of these changes has been leaked from the Commonwealth Games Committee comprising of 3 town councillors, some guy and a wee dog and I can reveal its contents...
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Parkhead , in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit and Celtic top. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and an X BOX (one in each arm). On the sound of the starting pistol, 2 police dogs will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, have a go Glasgow grannies, etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, Mjolnir etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most damage to BMWs parked in the event car park within three throws.
FENCING(any bladed weapon allowed as supplied by sponsor)
This event will be sponsored by Cash Converters who will also provide the hardware.
The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner will be the one who can leave A & E first.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at hedge fund managers dressed as post office clerks, or Securicor-style wages delivery men.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bikes will be owned by visiting members of the Australian rugby 7’s team who will witness the theft and give chase. The winner is the first competitor to sell a bike at the Barras Market
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways have been tested for toxicity levels, unfortunately none have been found that can support human life. All swimming events will now take place in Shettleston Pool which will be closed to the public.
Any member of the east end community requiring their annual wash can obtain a free pass to the Dollan Baths in East Kilbride.
Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of competitors dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by 'Belle & Sebastian'.
THE MARATHON
This event may be cancelled a safe route has yet to be identified.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this has been cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be 'mincing'.
DISCUS
Competitors will throw a deep fried Pizza at a wall from a distance of 20 metres, the winner being the last pizza sticking to the wall.
JAVELIN
Each competitor will have 3 throws where they will attempt to hit a gentle Roe Deer that will be caught in Pollok Park and released in the stadium.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community Initiative, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Drumchapel and Gorbals community choirs and 'Drummin Wummin'.
The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans
Spectators will be encouraged to leave the venue by the release of packs of stray dogs that have been caught and starved by Group 4 Security
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes
break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
For those of a literal mind the above is NOT true, Glasgow is a brilliant city.
http://www.visitscotland.com/info/towns-villages/glasgow-p237531
http://peoplemakeglasgow.com/
Cheers
Derek
As many of you will know, the Opening Ceremony for the Commonwealth Games in 2014 takes place today in Glasgow.
What you may not know is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, have been especially altered for 2014 to give that unique 'Glasgow Flavour'.
A copy of these changes has been leaked from the Commonwealth Games Committee comprising of 3 town councillors, some guy and a wee dog and I can reveal its contents...
OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of Parkhead , in the traditional dress of balaclava and a Burberry shell suit and Celtic top. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS
100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and an X BOX (one in each arm). On the sound of the starting pistol, 2 police dogs will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, have a go Glasgow grannies, etc)
HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, Mjolnir etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most damage to BMWs parked in the event car park within three throws.
FENCING(any bladed weapon allowed as supplied by sponsor)
This event will be sponsored by Cash Converters who will also provide the hardware.
The contest itself shall be based outside Kebab shops in Baillieston, Riddrie, Drumpchapel, and Easterhouse....the winner will be the one who can leave A & E first.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at hedge fund managers dressed as post office clerks, or Securicor-style wages delivery men.
The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
Competitors will be asked to break into the Glasgow University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT
As above, but the bikes will be owned by visiting members of the Australian rugby 7’s team who will witness the theft and give chase. The winner is the first competitor to sell a bike at the Barras Market
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding, under-age drinking and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS
All waterways have been tested for toxicity levels, unfortunately none have been found that can support human life. All swimming events will now take place in Shettleston Pool which will be closed to the public.
Any member of the east end community requiring their annual wash can obtain a free pass to the Dollan Baths in East Kilbride.
Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of competitors dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by 'Belle & Sebastian'.
THE MARATHON
This event may be cancelled a safe route has yet to be identified.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this has been cancelled, as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Glasgow, especially anyone that appears to be 'mincing'.
DISCUS
Competitors will throw a deep fried Pizza at a wall from a distance of 20 metres, the winner being the last pizza sticking to the wall.
JAVELIN
Each competitor will have 3 throws where they will attempt to hit a gentle Roe Deer that will be caught in Pollok Park and released in the stadium.
THE CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Govan Health in the Community Initiative, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Drumchapel and Gorbals community choirs and 'Drummin Wummin'.
The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused old firm fans
Spectators will be encouraged to leave the venue by the release of packs of stray dogs that have been caught and starved by Group 4 Security
The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes
break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
For those of a literal mind the above is NOT true, Glasgow is a brilliant city.
http://www.visitscotland.com/info/towns-villages/glasgow-p237531
http://peoplemakeglasgow.com/
Cheers
Derek
that's great Del,....almost makes me want to watch the games now...thanks for that!!
